#1 Mamma Rhinestone is Agent Rhinestone's Mother. She often smells like white shoulders perfume and rose oil.
#2 She was once a belly dancer named "Mimosa." She made her own fancy beaded bras and twirling circle skirts.
#3 She used to have a red bicycle named Dorothy.
#4 She now drives a green car that she calls "Picklette." (She bought Picklette to match the trim of her house.)
#5 One time in a restaurant called "The Moon of Tunis"...she did a fancy belly dance back bend and got her earring stuck to her ankle bracelet. An entourage of her admirers had to help set her free.
Sigh.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
File #28 Dear Ultra,
Dear Ultra,
Manolo Blahnik has created a special line of shoes just for you. I mean...I'm pretty sure ya'all are a match made in heaven.
xoxo,
Agent Rhinestone
P.S OMG SHOES!
Manolo Blahnik has created a special line of shoes just for you. I mean...I'm pretty sure ya'all are a match made in heaven.
xoxo,
Agent Rhinestone
P.S OMG SHOES!
Monday, December 03, 2007
File #27 Tips to stay warm in Seattle
1.It's most likely raining outside- make sure to bring your leopard print umbrella with you wherever you go. (Although actually using an umbrella is like so 1997.)
2. Go to your local shoe store and purchase a pair of giant fuzzy UGG type boots. Buy them 1 size too big and layer 2 pairs of fuzzy socks underneath.
3. Buy a new package of designer hot chocolate and sip it with friends. If no designer hot chocolate is available- booze will do.
4.Rhinestone knows it sounds horrible but... sometimes it feels nice to go lay in a tanning bed.
5. Bikram Yoga! Try it...you'll be so warm, you'll never want to leave.
6. Take at least 2 hot showers or baths per day.
7. Move somewhere warm.
2. Go to your local shoe store and purchase a pair of giant fuzzy UGG type boots. Buy them 1 size too big and layer 2 pairs of fuzzy socks underneath.
3. Buy a new package of designer hot chocolate and sip it with friends. If no designer hot chocolate is available- booze will do.
4.Rhinestone knows it sounds horrible but... sometimes it feels nice to go lay in a tanning bed.
5. Bikram Yoga! Try it...you'll be so warm, you'll never want to leave.
6. Take at least 2 hot showers or baths per day.
7. Move somewhere warm.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
File #26 Almost Thanksgiving.
This year Agent Rhinestone will attempt to prepare some vegan Thanksgivnig cuisine for her Tofurkey Day dinner guests...
Here is her stellar recipe for Garlic Mashed Potatoes....(even though she isn't too fond of garlic.)
Vegan Garlic Mashed Potatoes
• 6 pounds russet potatoes
• 2 heads garlic, tops trimmed off
• 1 stick soy margarine, room temperature
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 to 2 cups soymilk, warmed
• 2 Tbs fresh parsley, chopped
• freshly ground black pepper, to taste
Directions:
Pour youreself a glass of Shiraz!
Put on your favorite apron. Agent Rhinestone likes to wear a shear apron with yellow rose appliques!
Heat oven to 350°.
Wrap garlic heads in tinfoil and cook in oven until cloves are soft and kinda mushy, (about 50 minutes or whatever.)
While garlic is roasting, wash and peel potatoes....and apply some fresh lipstick.
Drop them into a pot of cold water (make sure the potatoes are completely immersed).
Add salt and bring to a boil. Simmer until nice and tender, then drain.
Heat the soymilk over low heat.
Beat potatoes, adding warm soymilk gradually, until the desired consistency is reached.
Squeeze head of garlic so that the mushy cloves slide out. eeeeeew!
Add to potatoes, beat. You can also ask the man of the house to do this part for you because it can sometimes be so tiresome!
Season with salt and pepper to taste.
Ta da!
Here is her stellar recipe for Garlic Mashed Potatoes....(even though she isn't too fond of garlic.)
Vegan Garlic Mashed Potatoes
• 6 pounds russet potatoes
• 2 heads garlic, tops trimmed off
• 1 stick soy margarine, room temperature
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 to 2 cups soymilk, warmed
• 2 Tbs fresh parsley, chopped
• freshly ground black pepper, to taste
Directions:
Pour youreself a glass of Shiraz!
Put on your favorite apron. Agent Rhinestone likes to wear a shear apron with yellow rose appliques!
Heat oven to 350°.
Wrap garlic heads in tinfoil and cook in oven until cloves are soft and kinda mushy, (about 50 minutes or whatever.)
While garlic is roasting, wash and peel potatoes....and apply some fresh lipstick.
Drop them into a pot of cold water (make sure the potatoes are completely immersed).
Add salt and bring to a boil. Simmer until nice and tender, then drain.
Heat the soymilk over low heat.
Beat potatoes, adding warm soymilk gradually, until the desired consistency is reached.
Squeeze head of garlic so that the mushy cloves slide out. eeeeeew!
Add to potatoes, beat. You can also ask the man of the house to do this part for you because it can sometimes be so tiresome!
Season with salt and pepper to taste.
Ta da!
Monday, November 12, 2007
File #25 And then there were none....
Not this week...but the week before...
Agent Rhinestone played Dorothy in a production called Viva Oz Vegas.
Her BFF Ultra played the Wicked Witch.
And her Heavenly Spy BFFFFFF's played the dazzling Lullaby League...
To make a long story short...
Something SO embarrassing happened.
Agent Rhinestone had the 1st time experience of having not just one- but both of her pasties fall off during her fight scene with the Wicked Witch...
She tried her absolute hardest to keep her hands over her rack while swinging punches at the Witch...but in the end she gave up and flashed the audience her bare bits.
TA DA!
In conclusion....
(Here is James Blonde pictured with Agent Rhinestone's favorite snack.)
Agent Rhinestone played Dorothy in a production called Viva Oz Vegas.
Her BFF Ultra played the Wicked Witch.
And her Heavenly Spy BFFFFFF's played the dazzling Lullaby League...
To make a long story short...
Something SO embarrassing happened.
Agent Rhinestone had the 1st time experience of having not just one- but both of her pasties fall off during her fight scene with the Wicked Witch...
She tried her absolute hardest to keep her hands over her rack while swinging punches at the Witch...but in the end she gave up and flashed the audience her bare bits.
TA DA!
In conclusion....
(Here is James Blonde pictured with Agent Rhinestone's favorite snack.)
Monday, October 29, 2007
File #24 Rhinestone and Mean Man.
Imagine a Halloween party....wrought with fantastically elaborate costumed humans, a candy mountain, a jail full of little hot people, dancing go go boys with abs like gods and 4 heavenly spies dressed like matching assassin ninjas.
Rhinestone was having such a good time she forgot that there were actual mean people in the world. At the beginning of the night there was this man chatting her up. She chatted with him casually about real estate or some such nonsense. After 2 minutes of conversation she was clearly uninterested by his small talk and burningman style hat. She made an excuse about powdering her nose and sauntered off to find her Heavenly Spy BFF's.
Sometime...later in the evening the bar ran out of vodka! At that same moment Agent Rhinestone ran smack dab into the man wearing the burningman-esque hat. To her amazement he was carrying a full bottle of Vodka- that he had stolen from the bar. She politely asked if she could borrow the bottle to mix herself a drink. He quickly agreed saying.. "Take the whole bottle."
Agent Rhinestone of course could not drink an entire bottle- so she mixed herself and Double Oh Sassy and maybe a few other strangers a cocktail....then promptly returned the half full bottle to the strange man in the bad hat.
As she handed him the bottle...he looked her straight in the eye and said
"You are rude."
Agent Rhinestone was horrified!
She looked at him square in his blobby face and said "I am not!"
"You are the rudest bitch I have ever met, You can't just steal people's vodka, Who in the hell do you think you are?" he said...
Then James Blonde stepped in...
"You are the one that's rude." She said...
He looked at her square in her beautiful face and said "You think you're funny... but you're not."
"Oh my word....that was over the top....everybody knows that James Blonde is the funniest person that ever existed!" thought Agent Rhinestone out loud....
Then Double Oh Sassy sauntered over and said
"Dirty Martini, Dirty Bastard!" and threw her drink in his face.
Agent Rhinestone stepped on his toe and said... "Your hat is ugly."
James Blonde tossed him over her shoulder and threw him outta that party so fast he didn't know what hit him....
Nobody fucks with the Heavenly Spies!
Rhinestone was having such a good time she forgot that there were actual mean people in the world. At the beginning of the night there was this man chatting her up. She chatted with him casually about real estate or some such nonsense. After 2 minutes of conversation she was clearly uninterested by his small talk and burningman style hat. She made an excuse about powdering her nose and sauntered off to find her Heavenly Spy BFF's.
Sometime...later in the evening the bar ran out of vodka! At that same moment Agent Rhinestone ran smack dab into the man wearing the burningman-esque hat. To her amazement he was carrying a full bottle of Vodka- that he had stolen from the bar. She politely asked if she could borrow the bottle to mix herself a drink. He quickly agreed saying.. "Take the whole bottle."
Agent Rhinestone of course could not drink an entire bottle- so she mixed herself and Double Oh Sassy and maybe a few other strangers a cocktail....then promptly returned the half full bottle to the strange man in the bad hat.
As she handed him the bottle...he looked her straight in the eye and said
"You are rude."
Agent Rhinestone was horrified!
She looked at him square in his blobby face and said "I am not!"
"You are the rudest bitch I have ever met, You can't just steal people's vodka, Who in the hell do you think you are?" he said...
Then James Blonde stepped in...
"You are the one that's rude." She said...
He looked at her square in her beautiful face and said "You think you're funny... but you're not."
"Oh my word....that was over the top....everybody knows that James Blonde is the funniest person that ever existed!" thought Agent Rhinestone out loud....
Then Double Oh Sassy sauntered over and said
"Dirty Martini, Dirty Bastard!" and threw her drink in his face.
Agent Rhinestone stepped on his toe and said... "Your hat is ugly."
James Blonde tossed him over her shoulder and threw him outta that party so fast he didn't know what hit him....
Nobody fucks with the Heavenly Spies!
Friday, October 19, 2007
File #23 She's just a little black rain cloud.
Agent Rhinestone is feeling quite dismal today.
In order to cheer herself up she will partake in the following activities...
1. paint her toenails hot glitter red.
2. call her bff Sparkle and chatter a steady stream of nonsense in his ear.
3. go to the laundry mat with a do rag in her hair and play solitaire...while her frilly underthings spin and spin in the spin cycle.
4. sip a cup of tea and and perhaps have a good cry about life.
5. call bff's James Blonde, Double Oh Sassy and Honey Sexpot to cheer her up.
6. after 5...she may even have a martini. (Even though Martini's are totally gross.)
In order to cheer herself up she will partake in the following activities...
1. paint her toenails hot glitter red.
2. call her bff Sparkle and chatter a steady stream of nonsense in his ear.
3. go to the laundry mat with a do rag in her hair and play solitaire...while her frilly underthings spin and spin in the spin cycle.
4. sip a cup of tea and and perhaps have a good cry about life.
5. call bff's James Blonde, Double Oh Sassy and Honey Sexpot to cheer her up.
6. after 5...she may even have a martini. (Even though Martini's are totally gross.)
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
File #21 Agent Rhinestone and the Optimists
Agent Rhinestone stepped out of the shower at half past 8 on Tuesday morning and heard a knock at her front door.
"Who knocks on the door at this hour?" She thought as she looked down at her half dressed self. She crept down the stairs and peeked out the window. What stood before her was absolutely horrifying!
Two grown women wearing knee length floral motif dresses, toting handbags from the early 90's and navy blue leather bound books.
"God Dammit!" Agent Rhinestone cursed as she opened the door.
"Good Morning."Said the small mousy one with a grotesque smudge of mauve lipstick on her two front teeth.
"Sorry to bother you when you have obviously not had a chance to dress for the day."
"Umm, yeah!" Agent Rhinestone said with an attempted smile.
" We are here to spread the word of Optimism!" Said the one wearing brown loafers with black opaque tights.
"No Thanks" Said Agent Rhinestone half politely as she slammed the door in their over blushed faces.
Agent Rhinestone was absolutely appalled that someone would try to sell her optimism before she'd had her half caf. cappuccino with soy. What is the world coming to...
Thursday, September 20, 2007
File #20...The Stranger + Heavenly Spies = LOVE
Agent Rhinestone is just delighted to announce that THE STRANGER seemed to love the Heavenly Spies.
"... in Camp Heavenly Spies...Dane Ballard dresses as a camp counselor and plays guitar as he introduces the spies—Agent Rhinestone, James Blonde, and Double Oh Sassy. It's some of the best burlesque in town. In an hour and a half, there was a scimitar battle, a shower scene, and a genius take on Spy vs. Spy comic strips, wherein two spies, one in white and one in black, try to blow each other up, and succeed only in stripping off each other's clothes."
This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds.
p.s
Isn't planet Unicorn like so funny. I'm a ROCK.
"... in Camp Heavenly Spies...Dane Ballard dresses as a camp counselor and plays guitar as he introduces the spies—Agent Rhinestone, James Blonde, and Double Oh Sassy. It's some of the best burlesque in town. In an hour and a half, there was a scimitar battle, a shower scene, and a genius take on Spy vs. Spy comic strips, wherein two spies, one in white and one in black, try to blow each other up, and succeed only in stripping off each other's clothes."
This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds.
p.s
Isn't planet Unicorn like so funny. I'm a ROCK.
File #19 CAMP Heavenly Spies
After winning Exotic World...Agent Rhinestone and her BFF spy cohorts went to summer camp.
File #18 Agent Rhinestone is back....
Umm- Hello!
Agent Rhinestone was on a bit of a hiatus and forgot to blog all summer long. If you could see her tan you would understand.
Most importantly...
The Heavenly Spies won "Best Duo" at the Exotic World Pageant in Las Vegas.
Agent Rhinestone was on a bit of a hiatus and forgot to blog all summer long. If you could see her tan you would understand.
Most importantly...
The Heavenly Spies won "Best Duo" at the Exotic World Pageant in Las Vegas.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
File #17
Agent Rhinestone was to just tickled to discover that she'd be participating in the Miss Exotic World Pageant with her spy and BFF counterpart Miss James Blonde....
Our acceptance letter is as follows:
Hello Agents of the Heavenly Spies,
Thank you for applying to participate in the BEST DUO category at the 2008 Miss Exotic World Pageant--and for your patience as the Selection Committee reviewed each and every single application. We know the wait has been rough, so without further ado… CONGRATULATIONS!
Your score has placed you in TOP 4 for your category—which is no small feat, considering that we received over 230 applications from all over the world (literally!).
Kindly let us know ASAP whether or not you are still willing and able to participate in the show, so we can finalize the lineup and begin to promote your participation in this historic event! Thanks again and see you in June,
Laura Herbert
On behalf of The Exotic World Burlesque Hall of Fame
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
FILE #15 L.A.M.B
Last night Agent Rhinestone dreamt that she found a tiny, pink polka dot, real life… lamb! She scooped it up into her arms and cuddled it like a friend. When she looked into its eyes- the lamb smiled and had a perfect row of white teeth. Upon looking a bit closer she realized that the glad little lamb looked very similar to her BFF James Blonde.
Agent Rhinestone woke up this morning feeling quite sad and disappointed that she didn’t actually have a pet pink polka dotted lamb. Thank god she has James Blonde!
HA HA.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
File #14: Las Vegas and Agent Rhinestone.
Agent Rhinestone loves the glitzy ritz and flashy bits in Vegas…..she loves it mostly when she is with her fellow spies. Somehow Lady Rhinestone was sent to Vegas all alone this time- for work of all dreadful things.
Of course she’s fine lounging in the Flamingo’s refurnished flats nibbling room service snacks and taking long bubbly baths….but she hates to be alone.
If you were a butterfly on her wall right now you’d see…..
Agent Rhinestone laying on her California Queen bed staring forlornly out of her picture window wondering...”Why me, why must I be here amongst all that glitters, all by myself.” She’s snuggling into her pink satin PJ’s and nuzzling her cheek against her black feathered sleeping boa. She’s taking a little white doll, having a sip of champagne and falling into a peaceful dreamy sleep for at least 8 hours maybe 10.
Goodnight….
Monday, February 05, 2007
File #13...Super Bowl for Women
On Sunday Agent Rhinestone prepared her cozy refinished basement for an all out…all women super bowl party. The guest list was brimming with infamous invitee’s such as Rhinestone’s BFF Double oh Sassy and like... Madonna.
Agent Rhinestone decorated her home with glitter puffy paint signs that read “Women Only” and “Super Bowl 2007.”
She laid out elaborate spreads of rice crispy treats and fantastically displayed bowls of chips and dips.
She even baked a pink cake in the shape of a football…but nobody ate it because it was so fancy!
Double Oh came over at promptly 2: PM, toting silver Nordstrom bags full of matching sweat suits and numerous bottles of Sofia Coppola champagne. The girls climbed into their funky fab outfits and hunkered down for an epic snack fest and football extravaganza.
The Football part never actually happened…instead the girls pulled out their matching boxes of tissues and watched Sandra Bullock in “Hope Floats.” Yes, my friends….they turned Super Bowl Sunday into an all out chick flick festival.
So much different from last year when Agent Rhinestone was actually on the field clad in a cheerleading uniform…dancing with “The Rolling Stones!”
Warning: Parts of this Blog could have been embellished or exaggerated for no reason whatsoever.
xoxo
Agent Rhinestone decorated her home with glitter puffy paint signs that read “Women Only” and “Super Bowl 2007.”
She laid out elaborate spreads of rice crispy treats and fantastically displayed bowls of chips and dips.
She even baked a pink cake in the shape of a football…but nobody ate it because it was so fancy!
Double Oh came over at promptly 2: PM, toting silver Nordstrom bags full of matching sweat suits and numerous bottles of Sofia Coppola champagne. The girls climbed into their funky fab outfits and hunkered down for an epic snack fest and football extravaganza.
The Football part never actually happened…instead the girls pulled out their matching boxes of tissues and watched Sandra Bullock in “Hope Floats.” Yes, my friends….they turned Super Bowl Sunday into an all out chick flick festival.
So much different from last year when Agent Rhinestone was actually on the field clad in a cheerleading uniform…dancing with “The Rolling Stones!”
Warning: Parts of this Blog could have been embellished or exaggerated for no reason whatsoever.
xoxo
Monday, January 29, 2007
File #12: Agent Rhinestone loves the following....
1.delicious lazy naps on a Saturday afternoon…or any afternoon for that matter.
2.crisp sour dough toast with margarine and a cup of sweet tea… consumed slowly while day dreaming or watching “sex in the city” for the umpteenth time.
3.organizing her closet and then inviting friends over to look at her shoes and drink champagne with a straw from a can.
4.the quarter lounge patio in the winter with her fellow spies.
5.pink faux uggs worn with camo sweat pants. (True glamour can be portrayed with mascara, lip gloss and a fantastic manicure.)
Agent Rhinestone despises the following things:
1.bad smells of all kinds
2.feeling twinges of hunger. When in doubt….snacks are a girls best friend.
3.loosing her keys, mind, way or favorite pair of shoes.
4.paying unnecessary bills like student loans, credit cards and parking tickets. Being a grown up is so boring sometimes!
5.Agent Rhinestone hates to clean in all ways shapes and forms. A lady should never be expected to clean her own house- it is positively dreadful!
2.crisp sour dough toast with margarine and a cup of sweet tea… consumed slowly while day dreaming or watching “sex in the city” for the umpteenth time.
3.organizing her closet and then inviting friends over to look at her shoes and drink champagne with a straw from a can.
4.the quarter lounge patio in the winter with her fellow spies.
5.pink faux uggs worn with camo sweat pants. (True glamour can be portrayed with mascara, lip gloss and a fantastic manicure.)
Agent Rhinestone despises the following things:
1.bad smells of all kinds
2.feeling twinges of hunger. When in doubt….snacks are a girls best friend.
3.loosing her keys, mind, way or favorite pair of shoes.
4.paying unnecessary bills like student loans, credit cards and parking tickets. Being a grown up is so boring sometimes!
5.Agent Rhinestone hates to clean in all ways shapes and forms. A lady should never be expected to clean her own house- it is positively dreadful!
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
File #11
Cough, cough…sniffle….sniffle. Agent Rhinestone fell dramatically ill late Sunday morning and was unable to leave her boudoir or change out of her dressing gowns for two whole days. With her hand gently pressed to her forehead she fell back on her fainting couch in absolute exhaustion.
She should be quite fine after sampling a few sleeping pills and watching “Valley of the Dolls” but just incase… She is now accepting pink roses, magenta balloons and sparkling diamonds to aide in her recovery….
please excuse the weird picture....
She should be quite fine after sampling a few sleeping pills and watching “Valley of the Dolls” but just incase… She is now accepting pink roses, magenta balloons and sparkling diamonds to aide in her recovery….
please excuse the weird picture....
Thursday, January 18, 2007
File #10
If Agent Rhinestone were a police officer.....
There is always an excuse for a little hip thrusting.
There is always an excuse for a little hip thrusting.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
File #9...Absolutely smashing darling….
The Heavenly Spies new show “Bang Bang,” kicked off without the slightest hitch in Agent Rhinestone’s get-a-long. (whatever that means)
Was she pleased? …certainly! Was she surprised? ….maybe a little!
Now she’s bored to tears….
All she’s got to do is sit at her desk and clack away at her laptop all day.
Thank goodness the spies are on their way over to her little snow covered house for a brush up rehearsal.
xoxo
The not so Secret, Agent Rhinestone.
Was she pleased? …certainly! Was she surprised? ….maybe a little!
Now she’s bored to tears….
All she’s got to do is sit at her desk and clack away at her laptop all day.
Thank goodness the spies are on their way over to her little snow covered house for a brush up rehearsal.
xoxo
The not so Secret, Agent Rhinestone.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
File #8: She's come undone!
Hell week has officially begun for Agent Rhinestone and her Heavenly Spy counter parts. Their new cabaret show “Bang Bang” opens this Friday night and the girls have been hunched over sewing machines, burning their delicate hands with hot glue and a blistering their feet breaking in new dancing shoes.
Due to the down right stress of it all Agent Rhinestone has become inflicted with some form of dramatic hypochondria!
See below…
hy•po•chon•dri•a•sis
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural hy•po•chon•dri•a•ses /-"sEz/
Etymology: New Latin
Definition: morbid concern about one's health especially when accompanied by delusions of physical disease
Agent Rhinestone has formed the following ailments:
1. migraine headache
2. acute dark eye circles
3. bad hair day mania
4. 4 pulled hamstrings
5. 1 unsightly hangnail
The Heavenly Spies have outdone themselves this time!(…despite the fact that they are a bit worn out.) These bitches are gonna shine like the gosh damn top of the chrysler building!!!!!!!!!
Their new show is f***ing fabulous!
Due to the down right stress of it all Agent Rhinestone has become inflicted with some form of dramatic hypochondria!
See below…
hy•po•chon•dri•a•sis
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural hy•po•chon•dri•a•ses /-"sEz/
Etymology: New Latin
Definition: morbid concern about one's health especially when accompanied by delusions of physical disease
Agent Rhinestone has formed the following ailments:
1. migraine headache
2. acute dark eye circles
3. bad hair day mania
4. 4 pulled hamstrings
5. 1 unsightly hangnail
The Heavenly Spies have outdone themselves this time!(…despite the fact that they are a bit worn out.) These bitches are gonna shine like the gosh damn top of the chrysler building!!!!!!!!!
Their new show is f***ing fabulous!
Thursday, January 04, 2007
File #007
Agent Rhinestone and her evil knievel spy cohorts were up to no good on New Years eve at the first and only annual THUNDERBALL!
agent rhinestone and james blonde were boozing and shooting til the wee hours.
.....................................................................................
meanwhile double oh sassy brought an innocent "unknown victim" to his knees in an all out battle of heavenly wit.
What the hell?
agent rhinestone and james blonde were boozing and shooting til the wee hours.
.....................................................................................
meanwhile double oh sassy brought an innocent "unknown victim" to his knees in an all out battle of heavenly wit.
What the hell?
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