Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, the woman teaching us the dance combo walked in. Jess and I exchanged knowing glances.
“Whoa bangs!”
Her bangs were teased into a claw that I hadn’t seen since 1988. She flashed us a big toothy smile and immediately launched into a series of kicks, turns, pivots and thrusts.
We were trapped; trapped in Casino Show Girl audition hell. It was just us and Greg Thompson’s man parts.
The audition was being held in a dilapidated old scene shop on Elliot Avenue. Paint cans littered the circumference of the room and 2 inches of dust and glitter were caked on the floor like adobe. There were about 100 of us girls crammed into the room. We all looked somewhat the same but somehow I felt all wrong and out of sorts. My character shoes were too low and squat, my tights were too cheap and although I was 5’5” and only weighed 102 pounds I felt like a little sausage stuffed and pinched into my all wrong outfit.
I somehow got over my physical discomfort and managed to focus on the choreography being taught by the toothy and banged blonde. The dance was pretty easy. 5,6,7,8 and passé and pivot and shake your ass and smile and wink and shake your ass….
“Now this,” I said to myself “is something I can do. Thank god for those 4 years as a high school cheerleader.”
My thoughts were interrupted…
“All right Girls,” Booms Greg Thompson, “get into a line.”
He then proceeded to split us up into 10 groups according to our height. I landed in group number 3. Jess and I were separated. We zoomed straight into doing the combination group by group. There were 16 counts of “free dance” before the set combo began. This is a common thing at auditions; they want to see what length you’ll go to draw attention to yourself. I felt a little sheepish at first, but soon enough I joined in with the best of them.
“Whoop, Whoop,” I startled myself by whooping out some kind of crazy mating club call.
I wiggled, body rolled, thrusted and shimmied. I was officially wearing my cleavage like jewelry and offering it right up to Greg Thompson. If my Mother had been there as a fly on the wall- she’d have been proud. I finished my freestyle with ease and shot straight into the choreographed dance. I imagined that I was a young Mistinguett and paraded myself like a tiny poodle on a rhinestone leash. My legs kicked, whizzing past my face and my moves were perfect- it felt so natural as if I had emerged from the womb with jazz hands. As my body moved, my mind was shocked.
“Who am I and what happened to the old me. She was here a minute ago.”
After about 45 minutes of dancing, group after group, repeating the same set of steps; Greg cut over half of the girls. Luckily Jess and I made it into the new line of show girl hopefuls. The rest of the girls were asked to leave. They looked somewhat relieved as they gathered up their water bottles and dance bags and high tailed it out of that sweaty scene shop.
“Let me just look at ya’all.” Said Greg.
I pondered standing pigeon toed so my legs would appear smaller. Oops. Too late.
“OK, let me take a look at your backsides.” Said Greg
“Oh Fuck.” I mouthed to my friend and only alibi Jess.
I quickly sent mental messages to my ass to perk up, but I’m pretty sure she just hung back there.
“You should all get higher heals, it makes the back side view a little sweater.” He said while chuckling and making sex eyes at “Miss Blonde (twenty-something) America.” She let out a triumphant squeak and blushed at his obvious approval of her perfectly high heals and ass. I turned and tried to see how my own butt looked, but I couldn’t even see it. The audition had started to look dismal from where I stood.
To my great surprise Jess and I were put into the remaining group of 7. She looked at me and rolled her eyes. She looked like she was enjoying this even less that I was. Then something in me clicked. The music started and I found myself shoving girls out of my way so I could get to the front. I winked and looked directly into Greg’s eyes. That job was gonna be mine.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
File #84
Well... until the cookie shop works out...
Rhinestone has decided to write a book about all of her adventures as a dancer.
She started writing today...
The Showgirl:
I looked to my right and saw a bobbing brunette stuffed into a red leotard, tan dancer fishnets and the tallest character shoes I’d ever seen. To my left was “Miss Blonde (twenty-something) America” jammed into even higher tan character shoes. I looked down at myself; boobs pushed and squeezed and padded. My Mom once told me to wear my cleavage like jewelry- so I was giving it my best shot. All I really yearned for was to be just like Jennifer Beals from Flashdance. All I really wanted to do was do well in this audition and dance.
“Smile Fae.” I thought to myself.
“This show girl shit pays $600 a week, who cares if it’s in a cheesy casino near the Seattle airport.”
My thoughts were pulled away from me by the site of the man holding the audition, Greg Thompson. He was dressed head to toe in black, sitting with his legs slightly spread. His bunched man parts were practically smiling at me through his satiny trouser pants. His hair was almost white and groomed into an immaculate wispy Elvis poof. His sharp edged collar stood erect around his pudgy face and his tiny eyes scanned the room in search of the perfect pair of breasts.
Unbeknownst to me my eyelashes began fluttering flirtatiously in his direction.
“Who am I” I thought.
My skin crawled secretly underneath my 98 cent pantyhose. I remained calm on the outside. I’d been dancing all my life, I was about to graduate from college with a BFA in Dance. I was better than this. I was a real dancer, not a show girl. I could do this in circles around these other girls, right? I locked eyes with my best friend Jess. I’d drug her to the audition with me. We were both tired of living off student loans and evening retail jobs. We were going to make money dancing!
My thoughts were distracted once again as the choreographer walked into the room. Mistinguette. She was just like Cher. She only needed one name. Her 3 inch lavender finger nails gleamed like tiny daggers against her dramatic black pashmina. Her hair was blonde and cut short like Annie Lennox. Her makeup was black and red in all the right places and she looked around the room like she’d eat us for lunch if she was hungry, which I’m sure she wasn’t. Dancers don’t usually eat- especially these kinds of dancers. I imagined myself in 20 years donning the same sort of get-up and it made me smile. She looked scary, but she was a stone cold fox… or at the very least a stone cold cougar!
Jess and I looked at each other and mouthed the words…
“Oh my God!”
to be continued...
Rhinestone has decided to write a book about all of her adventures as a dancer.
She started writing today...
The Showgirl:
I looked to my right and saw a bobbing brunette stuffed into a red leotard, tan dancer fishnets and the tallest character shoes I’d ever seen. To my left was “Miss Blonde (twenty-something) America” jammed into even higher tan character shoes. I looked down at myself; boobs pushed and squeezed and padded. My Mom once told me to wear my cleavage like jewelry- so I was giving it my best shot. All I really yearned for was to be just like Jennifer Beals from Flashdance. All I really wanted to do was do well in this audition and dance.
“Smile Fae.” I thought to myself.
“This show girl shit pays $600 a week, who cares if it’s in a cheesy casino near the Seattle airport.”
My thoughts were pulled away from me by the site of the man holding the audition, Greg Thompson. He was dressed head to toe in black, sitting with his legs slightly spread. His bunched man parts were practically smiling at me through his satiny trouser pants. His hair was almost white and groomed into an immaculate wispy Elvis poof. His sharp edged collar stood erect around his pudgy face and his tiny eyes scanned the room in search of the perfect pair of breasts.
Unbeknownst to me my eyelashes began fluttering flirtatiously in his direction.
“Who am I” I thought.
My skin crawled secretly underneath my 98 cent pantyhose. I remained calm on the outside. I’d been dancing all my life, I was about to graduate from college with a BFA in Dance. I was better than this. I was a real dancer, not a show girl. I could do this in circles around these other girls, right? I locked eyes with my best friend Jess. I’d drug her to the audition with me. We were both tired of living off student loans and evening retail jobs. We were going to make money dancing!
My thoughts were distracted once again as the choreographer walked into the room. Mistinguette. She was just like Cher. She only needed one name. Her 3 inch lavender finger nails gleamed like tiny daggers against her dramatic black pashmina. Her hair was blonde and cut short like Annie Lennox. Her makeup was black and red in all the right places and she looked around the room like she’d eat us for lunch if she was hungry, which I’m sure she wasn’t. Dancers don’t usually eat- especially these kinds of dancers. I imagined myself in 20 years donning the same sort of get-up and it made me smile. She looked scary, but she was a stone cold fox… or at the very least a stone cold cougar!
Jess and I looked at each other and mouthed the words…
“Oh my God!”
to be continued...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
File #83 Cookies?
Today... Agent Rhinestone wishes that she Fancy, Honey, James and Nightingale owned a cookie shop... called something like... "Cookie."
They could come to work every morning wearing cute matching aprons and spend all day baking warm-sweet snacks, meeting new characters and giving away free samples to customers with cute shoes.
They could close up shop at 5 and go for happy hour and then come home to their cute husbands or Latin lovers or BF'S.
Their houses would all be next door to each other and they could talk on walkie talkies and lend each other cups of sugar or stop by when there was nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon...
On the weekend nights they would all dance together in a fancy pink nightclub and on Sunday mornings they'd all go out for brunch and the sun would always be shining.
They would say things like..."Pizazz! Fun! Tell me more! I love you! Cute! and Lunch?"
They would live happily ever after... all in the same tree lined town!
They could come to work every morning wearing cute matching aprons and spend all day baking warm-sweet snacks, meeting new characters and giving away free samples to customers with cute shoes.
They could close up shop at 5 and go for happy hour and then come home to their cute husbands or Latin lovers or BF'S.
Their houses would all be next door to each other and they could talk on walkie talkies and lend each other cups of sugar or stop by when there was nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon...
On the weekend nights they would all dance together in a fancy pink nightclub and on Sunday mornings they'd all go out for brunch and the sun would always be shining.
They would say things like..."Pizazz! Fun! Tell me more! I love you! Cute! and Lunch?"
They would live happily ever after... all in the same tree lined town!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
File #82 Inauguration Celebration.
This morning BF Rhinestone and Agent Rhinestone were awoken at 7:45AM by Faggedy Randy dressed up as a little Indian. Randy pounced on the bed and jostled the sleeping couple awake!
Oh great.
BF and Rhinestone immediately donned their matching sweats and tennis-esque sweatbands and went downstairs to cook a breakfast of blueberry pancakes, a dong-looking meat product, scrambled eggs, toast and mimosas.
Soon after... Fancy Drew arrived followed by Johnny Boy, Rainbow and Sean. The crew cuddled in BF Rhinestone's man style living room and watched Barack Obama- as he was sworn into presidency.
Thank Goddelcakes! Swoon! Sigh! Hearts! Stars!
Agent Rhinestone just loves her some Obama in the morning... especially when it's coupled with juicy champagne, snuggling on the couch and tiny tears of joy shared with friends.
Obama... MY HERO!
Oh great.
BF and Rhinestone immediately donned their matching sweats and tennis-esque sweatbands and went downstairs to cook a breakfast of blueberry pancakes, a dong-looking meat product, scrambled eggs, toast and mimosas.
Soon after... Fancy Drew arrived followed by Johnny Boy, Rainbow and Sean. The crew cuddled in BF Rhinestone's man style living room and watched Barack Obama- as he was sworn into presidency.
Thank Goddelcakes! Swoon! Sigh! Hearts! Stars!
Agent Rhinestone just loves her some Obama in the morning... especially when it's coupled with juicy champagne, snuggling on the couch and tiny tears of joy shared with friends.
Obama... MY HERO!
File #81. Agent Rhinestone looks kinda like this today...
She woke up with giantly wild hair...managed to throw on what seems to be an outfit that includes floral prints, animal prints, browns, blacks, belts, cardigans, 2 pairs of socks, leggings and a coat and 1 pair of boots. Agent Rhinestone looks a little tired in the eyes so she topped the look off with a giant pair of red Dior sunglasses.
Hopefully Agent Rhinestone doesn't get photographed by the fashion police... actually that could be mildly interesting.
c'est la vie!
Thursday, January 08, 2009
File #80. She's got noth'n folks.
Agent Rhinestone has absolutely nothing to say.
Here are some things that aren't really worth reporting on:
Last night when Agent Rhinestone was driving home from Can Can she saw an actual large rat run across the street. Sick. When she got home she took a 4 minute bubble bath. She got too hot.
On Saturday night she and Honey Sexpot performed at a 60th Wedding Anniversary. It was so cute to see two 84 year olds still SO married and in love! sigh...
(Agent Rhinestone wondered if 84 year olds still "ya know.")
Also pretty soon Agent Rhinestone needs to buy about $500 worth of long sleeved shirts + sweaters. She has like nothing to wear but mini dresses and you can't wear mini dresses all the time. Can you?
Oh and one marginally cool thing is that Agent Rhinestone is going to be shooting an infomercial this Thursday. Soon enough she'll be seen on the late night TV... washing cars, clad in Khaki shorts. Sick!
Here are some things that aren't really worth reporting on:
Last night when Agent Rhinestone was driving home from Can Can she saw an actual large rat run across the street. Sick. When she got home she took a 4 minute bubble bath. She got too hot.
On Saturday night she and Honey Sexpot performed at a 60th Wedding Anniversary. It was so cute to see two 84 year olds still SO married and in love! sigh...
(Agent Rhinestone wondered if 84 year olds still "ya know.")
Also pretty soon Agent Rhinestone needs to buy about $500 worth of long sleeved shirts + sweaters. She has like nothing to wear but mini dresses and you can't wear mini dresses all the time. Can you?
Oh and one marginally cool thing is that Agent Rhinestone is going to be shooting an infomercial this Thursday. Soon enough she'll be seen on the late night TV... washing cars, clad in Khaki shorts. Sick!
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
File #79 New Year's eve photo journal.
Agent Rhinestone performed at Can Can in "Bling in the New Year."
with Faggedy Randy (filling in for James Blonde) and the always lovely Miss Honey Sexpot.
The audience included an all star BFF cast:
Fancy Drew:
Sparkle:
James Blonde(Brown):
(please note: we like to make funny faces on New Years.)
N. Noir:
and of course all of The Heavenly Guys were there too...
with Faggedy Randy (filling in for James Blonde) and the always lovely Miss Honey Sexpot.
The audience included an all star BFF cast:
Fancy Drew:
Sparkle:
James Blonde(Brown):
(please note: we like to make funny faces on New Years.)
N. Noir:
and of course all of The Heavenly Guys were there too...
File #78 Death by carrot stick.
Well- upon waking this morning Agent Rhinestone decided she should probably take a cue from Fancy Drew and start a 2009 work out regime.
Day 1 includes: Extreme Body Sculpt Explosion class at Rain Fitness and death by a lunch of carrot sticks.
Day 1 includes: Extreme Body Sculpt Explosion class at Rain Fitness and death by a lunch of carrot sticks.
Monday, January 05, 2009
File #77 2008/2009
2008 was kind of a sh** storm for Agent Rhinestone and her BFF counterparts.
It was complete with.. (in no particular order...)
-divorce
-moving to the other side of the country
-financial crisis
-saturn returns
to name a few...
What 2008 did was set us all up for a brilliant 2009. This is the year Agent Rhinestone and Fancy Drew turn 30. The year Obama will jam into the white house and stir up some glittery world lovliness. The year that Rhinestone will probably take some kind of fantastical vacation with some or all of her BFF's. The year James Blonde will have a wild adventure in the Big Apple. The year Honey Sexpot will buy everything she wants at West Elm. The year Nightingale Noir will feel cozy in her new home with her cute little family. The year Fancy Drew will have a new zoomed Madonna body. The year that Sparkle will realize how wonderful he is! The year that BF Rhinestone will figure out the true meaning of life balance. This is the year that Rhinestone will probably write a novel, learn a little more about herself, change her hair color, visit James Blonde in New York, remember that she loves to dance and a whole lot of other things....
Stay tuned!
It was complete with.. (in no particular order...)
-divorce
-moving to the other side of the country
-financial crisis
-saturn returns
to name a few...
What 2008 did was set us all up for a brilliant 2009. This is the year Agent Rhinestone and Fancy Drew turn 30. The year Obama will jam into the white house and stir up some glittery world lovliness. The year that Rhinestone will probably take some kind of fantastical vacation with some or all of her BFF's. The year James Blonde will have a wild adventure in the Big Apple. The year Honey Sexpot will buy everything she wants at West Elm. The year Nightingale Noir will feel cozy in her new home with her cute little family. The year Fancy Drew will have a new zoomed Madonna body. The year that Sparkle will realize how wonderful he is! The year that BF Rhinestone will figure out the true meaning of life balance. This is the year that Rhinestone will probably write a novel, learn a little more about herself, change her hair color, visit James Blonde in New York, remember that she loves to dance and a whole lot of other things....
Stay tuned!
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